Right now I am taking a BYU Independent Study Course. It’s English 115. Anyway, I am reading about drafting ideas and one of them in called freewriting where you take 10 minutes and just write everything that comes into your head. I found that I had the desire to do so. Here it goes
I was pondering on weight loss. What else is new? And I thought of the reasons that I am scared to lose weight. Why would I be scared to lose weight you might ask, but there are some definite reasons floating around in my brain. The first being that I have heard that people become more nasty when they lose weight. yikes. I am really afraid of being a more mean and very judgemental person. I believe that I already have a problem with being judgemental and I don’t need any more help in becoming more judgemental. Also , um , i can’t think of anything to say. I was thinking about being judgmental, and then I got a brain cramp. Maybe my brain froze up because I started thinking of somthing bad for me. Considering challenges made my brain freeze up. Another reason I am scared of losing weight is that I would then ( I am literally not thinking anything right now. I am looking at these words going down on the page and that is all my brain in thinking of. The song playing on the radio, excuse me, the ipod that is, we listen to the same songs everyday. Anyway the song was a really twangy country song. Yuck, I don’t really like that. In my head I can picture a person thin, tan, beautiful, happy, confident, I think that it’s me, but I don’t have a direct visual of the face. Her hair looks good though. She is in a red clingy shirt and long jean shorts. I can picture myself being thin and pregnant as well. I want to be her so badly. I have this horror picture also in my head of a fat, sloppy, out of breath, in a moo-moo dress because nothing else will fit her fat body, pregnant, woman. I dread her. I think these are my real feelings about myself. I think they are a little scary. The thin woman is a student at BYU even if she has a baby and is able to handle the juggle of family and school. The thin woman gets parts in the Opera and is a fabulous singer. She is confident. I am thinking of myself now in my current state. I am not practicing voice nor am I losing weight and I don’t want to offer myself to BYU like this. I won’t be able to make it into the program number 1, I am still going to be fat and they will not want to let me in because I am fat. I will not be considered a shining star because I don’t look like one. I won’t make it into the choirs, I won’t get parts in the Opera. My voice teacher won’t like me. I won’t make any friends. I can picture myself exercising, eating healthy, being thin, slim, tan, getting fit and healthy, and being happy. How can I get there, I want that now. When I come back to reality I don’t want to do those things because I am not that person in my head. Maybe I am that person. That is me all along the way. I have to start now, no it’s too hard. What is too hard? Not eating treats, fast food, having to get up off the couch. Am I happy on the couch? Yes, in that I am comfortable, I am sad I am wasting my life. I like to go out and yet I don’t like to. Sometimes it can be boring just me and Jacob because we are not motivated together. I just wallow. We like to go to movies and watch other people who look really good do cool things and be happy. I want to do something with my sisters tonight. I am going to call Jacob.
